I love the Christmas season (and sometimes I hate it). I love those chilly days made warm by a nice cup of hot chocolate while listening to classic Christmas tunes; the only source of entertainment beyond the twinkling lights of the Christmas tree. But when my grandmother passed away on December 17, 2011, I knew then that my future Christmases would be much different than what I'd grown up with.
Old Traditions
Every Christmas vacation was spent at my grandma's quaint little house in Earlimart, CA; a tiny farm town in the Central Valley. I still remember her Christmas tree's flashing lights from her living room. The smell of tamales from her kitchen. Shrieking children running around the backyard. Conversing adults sitting around the dining table munching on whatever homemade treats available on the table. I miss those days.
2010 was the last Christmas with my grandma. We had a bonfire in her backyard and my uncle came dressed as Santa Claus with toys for the kids. I still remember my grandma's hearty laugh; a great big ha ha ha.
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| Grandma scolding Santa Claus |
On the day she passed away, I drove down to Earlimart to be with the family. When I got to her house, my tía and a few of my cousins were already there. Yet the house felt really empty. I walked into her kitchen and opened her freezer. It was filled with food. Grandma had cooked. It was as if she knew that the family would be there, and she provided one last home cooked meal for the family to enjoy. I really miss her refried beans...and the SOPITA! Oh man, I'll miss having her sopita. We all gathered like our previous Christmas gatherings; laughing, telling stories. Only this time those stories were happy memories of grandma. All of us had expected her to walk from the kitchen to join us in the dining room. Only it didn't happen. And it wouldn't ever happen again. When I drove away from that little house in Earlimart, tears streamed down my cheeks because my grandma wasn't standing at the porch to wave goodbye. I just can't bring myself to drive through Earlimart anymore.
I don't really see my extended family very much. That's to be expected when the family matriarch passes away. I still keep in contact with some relatives whom I adore. Others, I don't really feel very comfortable seeing again. After a short family crisis, I got to see the true faces of some of my relatives. The usual cases of betrayal. You put your trust in people only to learn that they did the very thing they were asked not to do. I wasn't angry. I wasn't even hurt. It was just an eyeopener. Now I know these few people are never to be trusted, and I'm okay with the possibility that I may not see them again.
New Traditions
I've pretty much been a Christmas orphan since my grandma's passing. Since 2011, I've started my own Christmas routine. I go to the Embarcadero Center with friends to watch the lighting ceremony. I drive around the city to see the decorations (with a mandatory stop at 21st street for that Christmas house). I attend the Noir City Christmas at the Castro Theatre. I dance at the Stompy Jones Sleigh Ride (and this year I'll be performing with my dance troupe). I spend Christmas Eve at my friend's house (who always hosts a Christmas gathering among friends), we drive down to Stanford Theater to watch "It's a Wonderful Life" and end the evening attending midnight mass at the nearest Catholic church. It's a new Christmas tradition for me.
It had been a long time since buying a Christmas tree. When I lived in SoCal, my family and I always drove to a Christmas tree farm. We never went to the local store or temporary tree lots. This year, I made it a plan to buy a tree. I drove down to Half Moon Bay to Santa's Tree Farm off 92 and Pilarcitos. It's a cute place with acres of trees. On the property you will find a little village complete with a Christmas train. Mrs. Claus was there to greet customers and Santa Claus was at his chair available for pictures. What I loved most were the antique appliances in the country store.
I picked out a small tree and bought some ornaments to decorate it. I call it my Charlie Brown tree.
I feel good about starting new traditions. I'm in a period of transition at the moment having completed my master's degree. I've been asked, "what's next?" I kind of want to take a break from school. I'm happy with my current teaching position. But enrollment in a Ph.D. in Literature program is definitely a possibility. Just not now. Perhaps some enrichment courses in the interim. Then there's my current hunt for a new house. So far, I've put offers on 2 houses; neither of which were accepted. Someone always bids higher. I was hoping to have a house by Christmas, but that's not likely. Perhaps a house before next Christmas.